remains in-situ

do you fight for your mind?
do you?
do you fight to keep your soul?
do you?
if the thief came to steal
if the thief came to destroy
would he get what he came for?
only the cross remains
in my head noise counters movement
centering around the uneasy nexus that has become sanity
serene it is not, bloodied from years of war
I fade, become weary i do not know how much longer i can last
but the cross remains
the black reaches out to me, tries to be my friend
i can not see the fog is blinding
the sea of mis-truth everywhere
i can not find my way out
but the cross remains
deeper and deeper i go,
i try to find my way out
sword in one, out of another
i am trying to will my way
but i'm dieing and i can feel it
too many wounds of old
help me somebody, anyone at all
i can't seem to find the reasons
i can't seem to find the truth
yet the cross remains...
and all else fades away,
only the cross remains
shining like a beacon across the stormy sky
bringing me home
showing me home
i am, because of He
who died and rose for me
the cross will remain

Thoughts on flying and such.

Don't forget not to fall... Because if you land on the ground, the ground likes to leave you with a few presents to remember it by... Trust me, I got a goat and a tricycle.

A letter from man to God

dear God,
Hey how you doing?
Haven't heard from You in a while, and boy do i miss You.
You know I tried to get a hold of You the other day,
and just seemed to miss You
held on to the end of the line but didn't think i got any reception, You know?
So here's what i have to say:
I blamed you, when I was blind.
I blamed you for the darkness.
I blamed you for the silence.
I blamed you when i was hurting.
I blamed you for all the troubles that i was facing
I blamed you when I was confused
I blamed you when I failed.
I blamed you for everything, and yet always knowing it was all me.
I was the one that stopped looking.
I was the one that forgot to care.
I was the one that demanded allegiance
i was the villain and the hero in one skin.
I was the one that cared more about self then selflessness
I was the one that forgot to love
I took the words out of context
and for that only I am to blame
You were the one that loved me,
It was You who gave your life.
It was You who never stopped loving me, You who bore my sins.
It was You that came and saved me
It was You, who by grace forgave
Where would I be now,
If it wasn't for the love I've found?
greater then the world I'll leave

Pushing on, pushing through
pushing till I see you
nothing but the best will do.
Thanks for listening... talk again soon?


(inspired in part by "A Letter from God to Man" by Scroobius Pip)

One million pieces

I wish i was better, better then it all
i wish i could handle, the memories of the fall
i wish i was stronger, then i am
so i could fight this, make it all go away
somehow i keep forgetting the reasons
that keep me coming back for water
burning the scars and holes
sometimes i forget that i am more then this
more then the moment, more then the dream
i am a million pieces, falling into place
I am the son of a King exuding grace
I am the chosen and I will not forget
for the kingdom, be the glory
for to Him be the praise

paradoxical theoretical paradigms

isn't it lovely when the jigsaw puzzle falls into place,
which then turns to irony when it turns out,
it wasn't the puzzle you were doing,
in fact,
you're in a completely different room,
attempting nothing even close,
some random figmentation creating a paradoxical
theoretical paradigm dancing slowly towards and from
everything but a jigsaw

so then confused and bemused by it all
stumbling away, collapsing on a chair
figuring out how to collect the thoughts
somehow it'll get inside the head
and sort itself out in time
until then, zombies are my friends

my hero

there goes my hero... watch him as he goes...

push the big red button; i dare you

creatures of stimuli,
press the right buttons to make 'em cry,
wilt away in the nick of time,
just to watch another crime,
pain is extacy,
love a joke,
press another button to let off smoke

I'm ok, I'm ok, I swear I'm ok,
Leave it alone, I'll be fine
I swear

let's forget
crawl away and hide
let's blank it out
leave it all behind
let's omit the details
let's forget this ever happened
at all

human and weakling
powerless and struggling
can we forge ahead
push the button to feel the moment
push the button to feel the joke
what can a blind man do but follow
what can any man do
push another button for the answers
wait a moment, or two

I'm ok, I'm ok, I swear I'm ok,
Leave it alone, I'll be fine
I swear

for all the goats

In my head I see a perfect world, a utopia of mind. I see the beauty of it all and it makes me wonder, why can't it be this way in truth? But sadly not to be. Everything comes crashing down around the feet rather quickly when one climbs out of one's own head. Oh to remember tranquility.

I saw a stream, so i sat by it for a while. Throwing stones into its abyss, counting the seconds between splashes. I remember that, it was surreal.

I saw a path, so i followed it for a short time. It brought me to a seat, randomly positioned in the middle of some where and it amused me. I remember that.

i remember.

if only i could remember the answers to the riddles they keep asking. It was unsettling to hear a tree ask about steamless trains.

funny really

dead men make no holes in ye' walls

There is a hole in the wall now. Odd, i don't seem to remember placing it there, well, not at that angle anyhow. Maybe I blanked out, maybe i forgot the memory? Who knows, well the wall does but its not like its about to tell me how that hole was formed quite randomly. Silly rabbit.

So I decided to have a look through the other day, just to see what was on the other side. Nothing special really, its lies about the grass being greener on the other side. Well to a point, as there is mainly carpet on my side (which is a nice grey colour to hide the blood stains) anything even an off tint of green is going to appear greener then my carpet. Bah.

I digress.

There was one thing i saw that amused me. It was a lonesome tree. I like trees. They remind me of life and death and such. They also have a nice green tinge, generally. Well except for the timber that i use at work, unless its been treated so that its green... i digress again... This tree was strangely perched in the middle of nowhere like a light house, i think. I can't remember, my head hurts a little, I may be concussed. The tree was gnarled with age, branches extending towards the sun in a righteous salute. The odd leaf dangling in the unholy breeze. It struck me as a little odd that this one tree would be standing there, so I climbed through the opening in the wall and walked over to have a better look. I ended up burning the tree down for a laugh. It's better this way for everyone i think.

I still have no idea what that hole is doing in my wall. It's definitely not a window and the plans show no opening.

isomorphic in nature

darkness; the eternal lack of light
forgotten and extinct there is no end
can i no longer see?
far beyond the stars and the galaxies
where the forgotten go to play
there is a faint light that shines
its like a candle in a window
dancing left and right in its whim
deciding against the trend of forwards
denying the effect of wind
but
i can't see that from where i am
i can only go off the reports that i hear from others
the silence is deafening
some one say something
anything at all
tell me you're still alive
yet, nothing
am i so alone out here in the coldness
the black being my only friend
i can only hope that one day,
i too can befriend the light
till then i shall keep searching
keep searching till the end is nigh

delayed reaction to flying goats

stand on the corner wave the light around
walk beyond the distant far
become a part of the night
I sense the end is coming
what that means only the future knows

so close to touch
too far to reach
i can't imagine anything worse
then being here

similarity is beckoning
carry on the shotgun
call out for the eternity
violence the reason
i see no better
so beat it dead

so close to touch
too far to reach
i can't imagine anything worse
then being in my dream

duh...

there are times when the sounds in my head remind me of the distant fog
the way that it envelops the land far reaching
beyond the sea where the prisons are, behind the mountains
i sit in my little cubicle no larger then a meter by a meter
and i count those bricks one by one till i know their number to the whole
981 there are, if you discount that one on the window sill
and include that one above the door
but somehow I seem to have forgotten my reason for being here
i dont quite remember anymore
it was so long ago, and the darkness brings sleep
and sleep brings relief
but there is something I'm missing
something rather important
thats it, the key
i don't remember the haze, I don't remember much at all
all i remember is the little light shining in the window
thats gone now
i do remember the way that the sun reflects through my window
but its night, and well its not reflecting no more
shame really
so as i huddle in my little room, i leant on the door
only to find it swing open
suddenly it dawned on me
it wasn't some one that held me here...
it was me

damn, lost another pen

i sit and i watched
and i waited
biding my time by the hour glass light
and slowly count away the moments
until i can get what i want

i died a thousand times that night
slowly in the cold
shut out,
dejected
huddled amongst the corner
trying to hide away inside
looking back, reflecting
i would have changed it all

I stood back against the wall
counted to ten and blasted that son of a bitch sky high
watched the wall crumble behind me
then walked away without turning back
i knew from that moment i had finally achieved my goal
I knew then what i had to do
so i took me a pen and i wrote it down
shame i lost it

frets on fire

worry for your survival instinct
worry that the devil come
and if he does now
run away and hide
worry that death is friendly
worry about the sum existence of it all
fret that the end is coming
describe the dead in turn
maybe the sun is rising
maybe the darkness is still
but in the end all I've got is nil
i've got nothing left to lose

I had something worth fighting for
so i swapped it for a gun
I wrapped it round my fingers
and let go of all the sane
reality fought with nostalgia
death fought against life
the understated distance
that underscored the surrounding
left me thinking about such nonsensical whimsies like this
and i noticed a pattern emerging
what i had to lose i lost
what i kept to gain i threw away

worry about the deafness
worry about the time
worry about the sanity that eludes you
worry about the sun
worry about the cancer
worry about the darkness, when the sun refuses to shine
worry about the facts that create you
worry that they are true
worry about the ignorance that surrounds you
worry that it will take you
worry that in the end all you have to lose,
is worrying about the truth

holiday from a holiday

Irony: I'm on holiday, and i feel that i need a vacation...

coda

i like repeating.
same time, same place
everything
beautiful.
not

i hate it
i loathe it
i want to burn it down
i want to watch it fall to the ground
I want to know that when i jump on it
it will die

but no.
repeat
repeat
repeat

like words in a book
from the first line
to the last page
like time and again
seconds into minutes
hours into days
repeat
repeat
repeat

happy new year

sounds like a job for someone in a more stable state of mind