sometimes i write because thats what i do. other times I find myself compelled beyond all reason and it becomes an obsession. I've been mulling this latest blog for a while now, apparently it wants to be written...
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Step one: Denial
I deny. I refuse to accept
I can't have thought out of control on me now
understanding limits is understanding freedom
Step 2: Fencing
I build a wall, try to find a home
Sheltering from the cold
all that scares the living day lights out of me
all my worst fears
i place behind my fence
I don't see it, don't believe it
therefore its not true
four is really seven
Step 3: Haunting
Every now and then
something comes to remind me of that which i left behind
and it haunts me
coming on like a migrane
leaving like a night train
only to be released...
step 4: Hurt
Self explanatory really
everybody feels
everybody senses
but some deny it
some refute it
step 5: Circles
Return to step 1
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
moments are just that sometimes
its funny how music can change a moment.
"Ive become impossible
Holding on to when
When everything seemed to matter more
The two of us
All used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose
You and me
Were in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well theyve got to kill what we found
Well theyve got to hate what they fear
Well theyve got to make it go away
Well theyve got to make it disappear
The farther I fall Im beside you
As lost as I get I will find you
The deeper the wound Im inside you
For ever and ever I am a part of
You and me
Were in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through some how
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
All that we were is gone we have to hold on
When all our hope is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone but we can hold on
You and me
Were in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
Even after everything
Youre the queen and Im the king
Nothing else means anything"
Trent Reznor is a freaking genius. Point made.
"Ive become impossible
Holding on to when
When everything seemed to matter more
The two of us
All used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose
You and me
Were in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well theyve got to kill what we found
Well theyve got to hate what they fear
Well theyve got to make it go away
Well theyve got to make it disappear
The farther I fall Im beside you
As lost as I get I will find you
The deeper the wound Im inside you
For ever and ever I am a part of
You and me
Were in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through some how
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
All that we were is gone we have to hold on
When all our hope is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone but we can hold on
You and me
Were in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
Even after everything
Youre the queen and Im the king
Nothing else means anything"
Trent Reznor is a freaking genius. Point made.
they said what now?
they say the black is only as deep as what you make it
they say that, obviously they've never been there
watch and wave, as you ride that spiral further
learn to drown as your mind begins to linger
i wish i could say that the end is coming
i wish i could say that i saw
but all i see is more black, a darker shade then before
and i don't know where the heck i am
there is a blanket there where i used to keep my thoughts
hiding everything and revealing nothing at all
all i think, is yet more useless dribble contained in a sentence
a moment, a memory
and as i watch this reality collapse, i realise what it took to get where i am
i'd like to say i know where hope is
but in truth, i don't want to know
i don't even want to speak another word
all i can fathom is creating verbs that involve exploding and destroying
imploding on the very thought pattern that kept me sane
and as i drift perpetually on this spiral
i can't help wondering why
they say that, obviously they've never been there
watch and wave, as you ride that spiral further
learn to drown as your mind begins to linger
i wish i could say that the end is coming
i wish i could say that i saw
but all i see is more black, a darker shade then before
and i don't know where the heck i am
there is a blanket there where i used to keep my thoughts
hiding everything and revealing nothing at all
all i think, is yet more useless dribble contained in a sentence
a moment, a memory
and as i watch this reality collapse, i realise what it took to get where i am
i'd like to say i know where hope is
but in truth, i don't want to know
i don't even want to speak another word
all i can fathom is creating verbs that involve exploding and destroying
imploding on the very thought pattern that kept me sane
and as i drift perpetually on this spiral
i can't help wondering why
Friday, October 19, 2007
internal screaming is good for the soul
i dont know... i just dont know...
and it does me a grave injustice
i want to know, oh i do
but i could care less to try
help me some one to find my wings and fly
and it does me a grave injustice
i want to know, oh i do
but i could care less to try
help me some one to find my wings and fly
Thursday, October 18, 2007
intrigue
I don't think your listening, you've blocked your ears
and now your wondering how it became such a farce
every time, its the same, always repeated never a new game
watch it all, like on a telly, even a big screen
and continue to surmise the reprise to the lies that envelop you
don't deny, you've seen it all before
the way the ball moves from the court to the hoop
from the hands to the air
and imagine this, the very fact of the meaning the one thing that you decided was truth?
maybe its not so true any more, and so you continue to watch on
and wonder
and ponder
and ignore all the screaming noises around
the sudden influx of instances that should have been cast off, hit the ground
I don't know why its happening like this, maybe you should have
done something different, pointed the finger at another poor soul
anything to take the focus away from you
you
the one that thought you had it altogether
the one that felt that the very world revolved around you
and now, you wonder if anything revolves at all
your stuck in a rut and frankly you're not in any hurry to get out
thats why, people keep on passing you by
they wave and smile and say what you think resembles your name
but you can't be sure because you became deaf with all the lies you fed off
despising all that lives around you, becoming one with the darkness
like a vampire, sucking the life from everything that is
you can't breathe
I saw you laying there, huddled,
I saw you there broken
and i was shamed for you
i stood there and watched countless people wave and smile
I stood there and saw people give lip service
not one of them stopped to save you
not one of them strecthed forward their hand
guilty and depressed i cried aloud and made the world know my pain
why is it that no one will help you?
can they not see you in your pain?
can they not hear you calling?
can they not feel your hurt?
I certainly can
The darkness is growing now
faster now, then i was used to
so i sent out a messenger
let the four corners of the earth know it is time
Along came a man
nothing about him seemed special
nothing about him stood out
and yet, you saw him and knew the end was nigh
he walked through the city with not a care on his mind
heading straight for you, he reached forth
and took your hand
and now your wondering how it became such a farce
every time, its the same, always repeated never a new game
watch it all, like on a telly, even a big screen
and continue to surmise the reprise to the lies that envelop you
don't deny, you've seen it all before
the way the ball moves from the court to the hoop
from the hands to the air
and imagine this, the very fact of the meaning the one thing that you decided was truth?
maybe its not so true any more, and so you continue to watch on
and wonder
and ponder
and ignore all the screaming noises around
the sudden influx of instances that should have been cast off, hit the ground
I don't know why its happening like this, maybe you should have
done something different, pointed the finger at another poor soul
anything to take the focus away from you
you
the one that thought you had it altogether
the one that felt that the very world revolved around you
and now, you wonder if anything revolves at all
your stuck in a rut and frankly you're not in any hurry to get out
thats why, people keep on passing you by
they wave and smile and say what you think resembles your name
but you can't be sure because you became deaf with all the lies you fed off
despising all that lives around you, becoming one with the darkness
like a vampire, sucking the life from everything that is
you can't breathe
I saw you laying there, huddled,
I saw you there broken
and i was shamed for you
i stood there and watched countless people wave and smile
I stood there and saw people give lip service
not one of them stopped to save you
not one of them strecthed forward their hand
guilty and depressed i cried aloud and made the world know my pain
why is it that no one will help you?
can they not see you in your pain?
can they not hear you calling?
can they not feel your hurt?
I certainly can
The darkness is growing now
faster now, then i was used to
so i sent out a messenger
let the four corners of the earth know it is time
Along came a man
nothing about him seemed special
nothing about him stood out
and yet, you saw him and knew the end was nigh
he walked through the city with not a care on his mind
heading straight for you, he reached forth
and took your hand
Saturday, October 13, 2007
thoughts oft think unto themselves
im in trouble, capital t
and don't i know it
the very things i tried to hide
are coming out to fight
and torment me
with a flag, no surrender
i thought i'd nothing left
but here i am again
silly little nuisance brain
filled with such mundane
and pointless things
can't seem to maximize
the thought process
and everything i want mine
im forcing away
say hello to the very things u hold inside
i wish you all the best
wave and smile as they pass
maybe you'll get a hold on
nothing left but to cry and maybe glean some solace
from the fact that tonight you'll die
ten times over
it'll be sad to see you go
and don't i know it
the very things i tried to hide
are coming out to fight
and torment me
with a flag, no surrender
i thought i'd nothing left
but here i am again
silly little nuisance brain
filled with such mundane
and pointless things
can't seem to maximize
the thought process
and everything i want mine
im forcing away
say hello to the very things u hold inside
i wish you all the best
wave and smile as they pass
maybe you'll get a hold on
nothing left but to cry and maybe glean some solace
from the fact that tonight you'll die
ten times over
it'll be sad to see you go
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
a wise man, though he falls seven times, will rise seven times and be all the stronger for it
The Father:
so here we are, in that same ol' place again.
what i would give not to return here, what i have given
to make it so
I watch on, tears form, it hurts me so
I know that you try so, but still i cry some more
How can I forgive, how can i forgive you?
for all the things you have done?
What will it take for me to let go
what will it take for the price to be paid?
The Child:
Pacing the same five movements around the track
I feel so overwhelmed by it all
and yet, nothing i do seems to get through
and it all goes to waste
I can't seem to do anything, i can't seem to be like you
how will you forgive? how can you forgive?
For all the things that I've done, I did them to you
and the least thing i expect, is to be forgiven by you
The Father:
My heart it is torn from me, which way should i go
maybe i should end this, that would seem so easy
maybe i should walk away
Maybe the very thing that is needed, is the very thing least wanted
the very thing, i am stopped at saying
Forgive you? I can't start to fathom
I'm blinded by all the wrongs you've done me
all the things i've lost count
and now you ask me to forgive?
the Child:
Somehow i must make these words meaningful
instead, i waste them and watch them fall off the page
and instead of saying how sorry, they say
oops, i did it again
nothing can rectify that,
maybe if i gave blood,
Please, won't you please forgive me?
forgive me, me the lost, me the hungary
me the thief, me the murderer
me the cheater, me the human
the father:
and so here we are, back at point one
How I love you so, how it blinds me
i can't help but be ignorant to the fact that you tripped
and I can't help but smile that you asked of me
it gives me such joy that a child of mine
knows where to run, not trying to hide
Forgive you? I already did
i forgave that time when you thought you were alone
I forgave that time that you weren't
I forgave you for everything you did
My child i forgive
so here we are, in that same ol' place again.
what i would give not to return here, what i have given
to make it so
I watch on, tears form, it hurts me so
I know that you try so, but still i cry some more
How can I forgive, how can i forgive you?
for all the things you have done?
What will it take for me to let go
what will it take for the price to be paid?
The Child:
Pacing the same five movements around the track
I feel so overwhelmed by it all
and yet, nothing i do seems to get through
and it all goes to waste
I can't seem to do anything, i can't seem to be like you
how will you forgive? how can you forgive?
For all the things that I've done, I did them to you
and the least thing i expect, is to be forgiven by you
The Father:
My heart it is torn from me, which way should i go
maybe i should end this, that would seem so easy
maybe i should walk away
Maybe the very thing that is needed, is the very thing least wanted
the very thing, i am stopped at saying
Forgive you? I can't start to fathom
I'm blinded by all the wrongs you've done me
all the things i've lost count
and now you ask me to forgive?
the Child:
Somehow i must make these words meaningful
instead, i waste them and watch them fall off the page
and instead of saying how sorry, they say
oops, i did it again
nothing can rectify that,
maybe if i gave blood,
Please, won't you please forgive me?
forgive me, me the lost, me the hungary
me the thief, me the murderer
me the cheater, me the human
the father:
and so here we are, back at point one
How I love you so, how it blinds me
i can't help but be ignorant to the fact that you tripped
and I can't help but smile that you asked of me
it gives me such joy that a child of mine
knows where to run, not trying to hide
Forgive you? I already did
i forgave that time when you thought you were alone
I forgave that time that you weren't
I forgave you for everything you did
My child i forgive
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