right

i sat round the campfire light musing last night,
pictures dancing around shadows
collecting thoughts to throw away
i couldn't understand
it wasn't that i had no idea
or not that i hadn't tried the thought process out before
and yet, tired and reflective,
i wondered, what variables i had put into play;
like pieces to a puzzle, or parts for a car
i slowly put it together in my mind
but the whole time knowing it was nothing but a fantasy
and at the end of it all, I'd still be right here
right here...

Callous with old age and cynical
I can't help but know that nothing really matters
so even as i cast out my line, for the seventieth time
i just reel it back in knowing there ain't gonna be anything for dinner
and somehow, for no apparent nor good reason
it only bothers me in mind
the fact that i starve, does not actually cause me to feel hunger
nor does it cause me to wish that i had food before me
because if so, I'd have forsaken fishing long ago and taken up farming
or something along those illustrious lines
yet here i am right here, still... some question my sanity
i question my sanity
and i have no answer
do i care? not so really.
and so here i am, right here, still, right here...

I have forgotten that which i came for, and in so,
forgotten my purpose in this
and questions keep forming in amongst the grainy figments
that cause me to blubber around this thing we call life
and if I remembered maybe i'd find my answer
but maybe if i actually wanted to know it,
I'd have hunted it down, and killed it, and hung it on my wall
but i haven't, and so its out there somewhere
having a ball
and i?
you got it... still;
right here

jibberish

boom stop loud noises stop worst feeling ever stop must get help stop send more money stop
end message

skin diseases are fun

hands over face, watching darkness play charades
ever entwining in the distant fog of memory
and somehow, yet, someway
right there, poignant and belligerent in the way that it moves
and i feel nothing...

so there i was entertaining myself to the tunes
of the fallen, juxtaposed meaningfully, purposefully
towards all reason and doubt
carefully deciphering the coded symbolic nature of it all;
as i read i waited for the chill
but nothing...
i feel nothing
nothing at all

there was a time when the paradox that lays before me
was at one with itself, in time with the melody
harmony, and rhythms of the ever changing chaos that is my mind
like a bull, charging, waiting, for no one to stand
but you know?
i feel nothing
and thats what scares me the most

not the fact that some where there is a warrant out for my arrest
nor the fact that some day i will be dead
nor the fact that maybe i will see the end
of this...
..
..
..
..
..
..

looking in the windows of the faded cottage
painted on the canvas of denial
waiting for the perfect moment that will never arrive
maybe the silence will deceive me, giving me more time
but for what, that is a good question, and to which i do not know
all i care about at the moment... is remembering how to feel
how to feel alive...
how to feel anything at all
just for one moment... again